Skewl Update

Ok, it seems that the Thai government, in all their greedy ass, only thinking of today, waste my F**king time yet again type glory , have decided that all teachers need a teaching certificate to teach here. While I understand the need to make sure that all teachers can actually teach, this still smacks of just another way to get a few thousand baht (12,000 to be specific) out of all of us rich foreigners. It doesn't seem so bad though. All I need to do is take a Thai culture course for two weekends, and then take a basic teaching technique/practices test. Shouldn't be too bad.

It is also contract negotiation time here at good old Penpattana. This sucked! The boss knows that I can't change schools while I am in the process of getting that damn teaching certificate, so the little prick won't give me a raise. He says that because I get 2 months off a year, with pay, he can't afford it. Well, no shit ya little baboon! Most teachers are off for at least part of the summer vacation period everywhere else in the world. Roong says to just "accept" it for now. Yeah, the Thai national mantra. But, I will do it. Pukky still has 3 years of school left to go here, so we probably won't move anywhere until she is finished.

Speaking of Roong.... It seems that now the government has decided that people at her position level can only stay at the same office for a maximum of 4 years. This means that wifezilla has to switch offices this year. She isn't sure where she wants to go yet, but I doubt that she will want to go to far away. It also depends on what other offices have people at her level that have to move too. She can just switch with one of them. It shouldn't be hard, because her office is considered to be a pretty good one.

Lastly, our little niece Bing Bing will be coming to stay here soon. Thaa and Boonam are having..umm...problems, so we suggested that Bing come and stay here with us, or next door with mom and dad. I think Bing Bing is 8 now. She's a great kid, and no trouble at all. She will go to my school this next term, so she can just ride into work with me.

Get up and vote!

Vote-buying is an old practice in Thai politics, but one candidate in December’s Thai elections has reportedly come up with a new tactic - handing out Viagra instead of cash.

The allegation, made Thursday by a campaign worker against a rival party, comes as rules about handing out favors to voters have become stricter than ever, barring even the distribution of free T-shirts and soft drinks.

Sayan Nopcha, a campaigner for the People’s Power Party in Pathum Thai province just north of Bangkok, said the drug used to treat sexual dysfunction in men was being distributed to elderly male voters at social functions.

* This may help explain why Thailand has a voting turn-out of better than 70%.

It's the law!

Every country has a few strange laws that are still on the books, though nobody remembers why they were there in the first place. Heres a few from here.

1. "You must wear a shirt while driving a car"...... ummm, ok. Some kind of vinyl related phobia maybe.

2. "You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you’re caught throwing away chewed bubble gum on the sidewalk"....... Ok, I can see that, it's pretty nasty. Is the fine $300 if the gum isn't chewed?

3. "It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear"........ Uh, why? I wonder if they set up check-points like they do on New Year's Eve to catch drunks? It's about 90 degrees here all the time. I am thinking there's a lot of folks going commando.

4. "No one may step of any of the nation’s currency"....... Ok, this one I know the answer to. The currency has a picture of the king on it. And god help you if you say anything bad about the king. Hell, they can actually shoot you for it here.

But just to show there is no hard feelings, I will remind you that...

In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk, or to hunt whales on Sunday! Aww, they're not whales, they're just big boned.

In Alaska, it is still illegal to either get a moose drunk, or to push said drunk moose out of a moving aircraft! This could explain why the Elks lodge is more popular there.

In Scotland, It is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow! This is toooooo easy, I am not going to touch it.

In Arizona, it is illegal for donkeys to sleep in bathtubs! I can only wish that I had been at the party that caused people there to feel a need for this law.

In Switzerland, It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10pm if you live in an apartment! Maybe they just need a few decent plumbers there.

In Georgia, it is against the law to tie a giraffe to either telephone or lamp poles!
Ok asshole, then just where am I supposed to tie up my wombat?

In British Colombia, it is illegal to kill a Bigfoot! Yet, it's only a misdemeanor to pull the old flaming bag of dog poop on the front porch gag on poor Nessie. Go figure!

And last, but not least....

In Mississippi, It is still the ultimate of no-no's to shoot a squirrel with a shotgun inside a courtroom! ....... No matter how inept of a lawyer he is.

* This just in...In Thailand, it is apparently now illegal to drink, or have sex on the king's birthday!

I don't know what to call this one

POTHARAM, Thailand (AP) -- Inside a dark room, realistic-looking "human body parts" are stacked on shelves and hanging on meat hooks. The place looks like a mortuary or the lair of a serial killer, but in fact, it's a bakery. What appears to be putrefying body parts are the bread sculptures of 28-year-old art student Kittiwat Unarrom.

"Of course, people were shocked and thought that I was mad when they saw the works. But once they knew the idea behind it, they understood and became interested in the work itself, instead of thinking that I am crazy," said the fine arts masters degree student.

Yeah bubba, we don't think you're crazy.

No questions asked...

I have mentioned before that Thai people do not like to ask questions. Maybe more to the point, they won't ask questions if they need help. Roong has no problem what so ever with asking me the strangest things, but if we need directions or help at a store when deciding on something to buy, forget it. Here's an example.....

"A woman who boarded the wrong bus on an attempted shopping trip from Thailand to Malaysia has returned home after 25 years.

Jaeyana Beuraheng told her eight children she accidentally boarded a bus bound for Bangkok instead of Malaysia, and once there she boarded a second incorrect bus because she could not read or speak Thai or English, The Times of London reported Wednesday.
Beuraheng, who speaks only the Yawi dialect used by Muslims in southern Thailand, said the noise and traffic of the big city confused and disoriented her, leading her to board the second wrong bus to Chiang Mai, near the border with Burma.

The woman said she spent five years begging on the street in the city and was often mistaken for a member of a hill tribe because of her dark skin tone.
She was arrested in 1987 on suspicion of being an illegal immigrant and was sent to a social services hostel when authorities were unable to determine her origins.
However, last month, three students from her home village arrived at the hostel for training, and they were able to communicate with Beuraheng and help her find her way home."

This is just plain nasty!

Farmers in Thailand and the Philippines are celebrating the Year of the Rat by eating rat meat.The farmers aren't just eating the rats, they're profiting off the rodent's newfound popularity among diners.The farmers are catching the rats in their fields, grilling them and selling them to people wanting a non-conventional culinary experience.Among the recipes being served include rat stew, rat with rice, grilled rat and poached rat. Poached rat? You gotta be kidding me! Kind of takes the juice out of all the dog jokes though, doesn't it? Yummmmm!

You truly never really know here..

For many young Thai men, kickboxing is a way out of poverty, a chance to escape the often rural confines of life in a developing country where the average annual wage is less than U.S. $2,000. It is also revered as a sort of religion. The traditional boxing known as Muay Thai was once used to decide the fate of kings—ritual and ceremony surrounds this most respected of bloody battles. Champions become national heroes. And it's just for men.

Nong Tum is a champion kickboxer. She's the winner of 22 professional fights, one for every year of her life—18 knockouts and countless bloody noses span a six-year career in the ring. And now her life is the subject of a critically acclaimed movie. The photo is a history of his..er..her transition in her career.

A bit fishy

Fishers in northern Thailand netted this huge catfish in the Mekong River on May 1. Nearly nine feet long (2.7 meters) and as big as a grizzly bear, the behemoth tipped the scales at 646 pounds (293 kilograms). Experts say the fish, which belongs to the species known as the Mekong giant catfish, may be the largest freshwater fish ever recorded.

The search continues.......

As I have mentioned before, you can buy anything here in Thailand, and I mean ANYTHING (or anyone), but still, no Velveeta! The only cheese readily available is made in Australia. That stuff stinks. It has this strange smell to it, as if it is already gone half bad. I can get good cheeses in Bangkok at a shop that my friend Jan goes to. We even have an "in" for good cigars, through his buddy Paul, and a friend in Holland. But still, no Velveeta! I have even found a lot of great cheese recipes on the internet, for making real cheese at home. But still, no Velveeta!

As this is Superbowl weekend, and I do get a fair amount of sports on the TV, I though it would be cool to have nachos. I can get Doritos here, and the girls have never had Mexican food, so I thought that might be a fun thing to make. A few weeks ago, I started searching seriously for "da cheez". I now have a very good friend named Kathleen at the Kraft company 's consumer help dept. The only thing we could come up with, was a pack of Velveeta singles (12 slice). But they wanted over $7 for 1 pack. Plus, the shipping was almost twice that! Are you kidding me? $21 for fake cheese?

The other day, I got an email from Kathleen, in which she said that she had found Velveeta online. It turns out, that you can buy a 2 lb. block of "Kraft Premium" cheese on Amazon.com. Haaaaa! Who new? Kathleen says that it is the same as Velveeta, but just in a fancier box. The only downside is that it costs $22, but, it's 2 pounds, so that is much better than the slices.

I wouldn't be able to get it in time for the Superbowl obviously, but it's nice to know that it is there. My next search is going to be for Lasagna noodles. They seem to be a bit scarce here also. But that may have to wait until I actually find a real oven, or at least a microwave.

This explains everything

Bangkok, Thailand (AHN) -- A 52-year old woman from Thailand is claiming that aside from enjoying riding toy motorcycles, her pet frog can also predict winning lottery numbers.

Tongsai Boommrungtai, 52, said she came across the black spotted frog outside her house in Roi-Et.

"The frog had a small chick in its mouth," she said of her frog which she named Nong Oui. "I looked her straight in the eye and knew I could communicate with her. I told her to drop the chick and she did and then came hopping in."

"Ever since she has been a member of the family. For a long time villagers would come round and get tips on the National Lottery with the frog's help. They used to read the skin on her stomach and look for numbers."

"Ten people subsequently won the lottery which drew crowds to the house - and then they started losing. So I have had to ground her. I promised one day to take her to the seaside, and her dream has come true."

"There is nothing more that she likes than to ride her toy Harley-Davison, or a battery operated dumper truck. But she can strike a pose just about anywhere."

The frog also recommends diversification of stock portfolios, due to the recent downward trend of the Dow Jones. Oh, and he says that Hilly will kick Obama's ass in November.

Please be sure to see my next post for "Kung Pao Frog" Yummmmm!

Teaching in Thailand

This place can sure jump up and down on your last good nerve! I just read a comment in one of the ex-pat forums I belong to concerning a new teachers troubles in class. I can surely sympathize with him. It goes like this...

"Have any of you people been having the same discipline problems I have had over the past month or so for Mathayom students? These problems include eating in class, excessive loud taking between students when the teacher is speaking, talking on cellphones and listening to music with headphones, boys wearing caps in class, sleeping, horseplay, and doing homework from other classes? Excessive loud talking, horseplay, and sleeping in class are the most chronic problems. Occasionally I raise my voice in English (almost yelling) and then follow it with my best Thai trying to explain why these kinds of behavior are detrimental to the class. Things will be better for a few minutes, but after a short while the chronic misbehavior continues......"

It goes on. That's Thailand. These little monsters routinely do things we would never have even thought of doing in class. And when you fuss at them about it, they just look at you and give you that dumb ass sheepish smile that means they couldn't care less about what you are saying. it was the responses to that teachers letter that made me laugh though. Here's a few....

1. "Heed this warning, its so fucking true. I don't have aproblem with M5 anymore due to losing my rag big time at certain individuals, only had to do it once in each class, not saying this is the correct way to go about things but it worked for me. M1 are more of a problem, losing the plot doesn't do it, especially when u have a class of 60. They talk, I sit down at my desk, after 2minutes of staring at the little fecks they shut up and the lesson commences."

2. "First of all, do not raise your voice but lower it - almost to a whisper! How does this work? The 'good' students will start 'policing' your class with "Shh! Mr prkeuhn is talking!" They seem to take more notice of their peers."

3. "You will always have discipline problems for these two reasons: first, you are a foreigner, therefore you are a lower form of life. Second, all the students know they will pass your class no matter what grade you give them. They also know that, percentage-wise, the class you teach is worth slightly less than the sewing class they had to take last term. Sorry if this sounds mean, but it's reality."

4. "They're all part of the regular scenery for me too. The second dimension to this is the children going to their Thai teacher complaining about the foreign teacher when they get disciplined. The Thai teachers then help the child with the nasty foreigner and take their side.

Result: the children know they can wriggle out of being held accountable for their actions by going to the Thai teacher.

The solution: accept it or move to a school with a support system for teachers and a philosophy that believes in accountability."

This was the best one

5. Teaching in Thailand - "Common sense will prevail in Thailand only when all other options have been exhausted."
It's a hoot here. The administration will not install any sort of disciplinary system, because if they do, then the students parents may pull them out of that school, and the school losses money. (So True!)

It finally happened....

Ok, there are about a million things that can go wrong in the classroom. But, I think losing an entire class has to be one of the top 10 no-no's. Every chance I get, I take the kids outside to do their work. The classrooms are hot and boring. I took my P-6/1 class outside to do an activity, but 2 of the picnic tables are not under trees, and very hot. So I told some of the kids that they could go over to the pavilion to work. This left me with about 10 kids.

About 10 minutes later, I looked up and noticed that there was a full class at the pavilion, and they weren't mine. I asked my ace student, Manow, to go see what was up, because that teacher doesn't speak any English. She came back and said that they told the kids to go back to the classroom. That was fine, but after going to the classroom, I discovered that they weren't there. Please keep in mind, that all this time, the boss is lurking about. I sent out search parties of my most trusted students, but all scouting reports came back negative. At about 20 after 3pm, It was time for the kids to go back to their room, for their last class. I told the kids I still had to head back. About that time, here came the lost sheep. When asked where they had disappeared too, I got only smiles and giggles. I have no idea where the little shits got off to for 45 minutes. Manow won't even tell me where they went. She swears she doesn't know. Hmmmm!

The weekend we raided Koh Samed Island

One nice thing about living in Thailand, is that no matter how broke you are, you can always find some affordable place to go on a 4 day weekend. To celebrate the new year (and to get the hell out of dogpatch for a few days) we took Palmy and her friend Mah down to Rayong and to Koh Samed island. They are about 4.5 hours south of us on the coast. It was very relaxing. The beaches are fairly clean, and it's not one of the hot tourist destinations, so it wasn't that crowded. Thats Roong on one of the beaches on Koh Samed island.

This pic was taken from the boat going over to Koh Samed island. It's a shot of the port as we were leaving. Rayong is a fishing port.

Roong and I waiting for the boat.

This is Roong figuring out what to order to eat on the beach. The beach is lined with these little mom and pop restaurant shacks. You can sit under the umbrellas and eat and drink all day long. The woman in pink runs the little cookery and took great care of us.

This is a shot of one of the beaches at Rayong. I am sorry it's a bit fuzzy.

This is one of the beaches on Koh Samed island. The island is filled with outdoor restaurants and party spots. It's nice though, and not trashy like the Pattaya beach nightclubby scene. It's a bit more expensive to stay on the island overnight, but for a few days, it's worth it.

This is Palmy and her friend Mah. And gee golly looky, they are giving the mandatory goofy Asian schoolgirl peace sign! Yeesh! They had a blast eating and playing in the ocean. They downed a few wine coolers and shot fireworks off on the beach later that night. I think Palmy ended up with her first hangover. Haaa!

Ok, now let's get to the important stuff! FOOD! The seafood is great there. If you go there in the morning, you can watch the boats catching your lunch while you sit there. The seafood was a bit pricey on the beach, but in the regular restaurants it wasn't. It's worth the price to just sit there in the breeze on the beach and have those huge ass prawns and a cold beer delivered to you.

Just me sitting on a rock.

Friends don't let friends Karaoke!

There is a plague assaulting our fair society. It has a name....KARAOKE! How many times have you gone to your favorite watering hole, only to be tortured by some drunk hoosier yowling on a mic to bad midi music, while you're trying to chat up your favorite hottie waitress? This must stop!

We at the M.S.R.C.M.P. (MOBIIART SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH CENTER and MASSAGE PARLOR), have discovered a way to nip this foolishness in the bud. To see a demonstration of our exciting new breakthrough method of curing this disease, please visit us at Kill Karaoke!.

And by all means, please help support the effort by buying one of our t-shirts or other products at Kill Karaoke T's!

Buddhism is da bomb!

TOKYO, Japan (AP) -- Japanese monks and nuns held a fashion show - with rap music and a catwalk - at a major Tokyo temple Saturday to promote Buddhism.

In the "Tokyo Bouz (monk) Collection" held at Tsukiji Honganji, nearly 40 monks and nuns from eight major Buddhist sects joined in the event aimed at winning back believers. Following a rap version of a Buddhist sutra, five monks from each school walked on the runway, then chanted prayers and wrapped up in a grand finale with confetti resembling lotus petals.

"We wanted to show the young people that Buddhism is cool, and temples are not a place just for funerals," said Koji Matsubara, a chief monk at Tsukiji. Yet another reason why Japan is cooler than Thailand.

More Strange Thai food

I hope to god that stands for homogenized!

Palmy the Loy Kratong Queen (almost)

We got a rather strange phone call from Roong's boss the other day. It's Loy kratong time here in Thailand. This is the festival where everyone gathers by the river to float little boats filled with incense, candles, and flowers, that drift away and take all the bad things that happened in the past year away.
Anyway, Kong called and said that there was a contest to choose the Loy kratong queen, and did we know any young ladies that he could enter as the Nong Bua representative. We asked our oldest daughter, Palmy, if she was interested. She said yes, and jumped on the next mini-bus home. The poor girl spent 9 hours at the beauty parlor getting fitted for her costume, makeup, and god only knows what else done to her. She weathered it all like a real trooper though. She didn't win the grand prize, but she was a vision of Thai beauty in her traditional costume, and had a great time doing it.
Oh, Pookie, the little girl in the photo is one of my students. Her older sister (the cow) was not only one of the other contestants, but she won (uber cow). Once I got her to understand why I was there, and who Palmy was, she responded by sticking her tongue out at me the entire time Palmy was speaking or dancing. I hope she won't have to much trouble explaining to her parents how her grade went from an A to a D overnight. Must be that Thai magic I hear so much about. Haaa!

Sunflower Children

Howdy. Not much going on these days. I have another 3 days off for fall vacation. I have been puttering about the house mostly. I just wanted to get a few pics of the sunflowers up. They start blooming here at the end of October. The tourists will start coming soon. It lasts for about 2 months. Last year we had too much rain, and the crop wasn't very good. This year looks to be better, but fewer farmers are planting them. There is more money to be made planting sugar cane, well, there was, until EVERYONE started planting sugar cane. Anyway, here is a few shots of Roong and I in the sunflower fields near our house.

Penpattana English Camp 2550 (Thai time)

Well, it seems we all survived English camp. I have to admit, it was a lot of fun. We took the Matayom 2 monsters to the Supalai resort. It's about 50km from here, out in the jungle. It is beautiful. Nice little bungalow type houses to stay in, lovely scenery, a pool, and good food.

We divided the 58 students into 4 groups, and made little passports for each group. They had to visit the 8 activities in 2 days and get a stamp. I came up with a word Othello game for them to play. I made 2 teams, and gave each team a word. They had to make a full sentence with that word, to receive a disc to put on the Othello board. I made a very large board that they could play with on the ground, and painted old CD's black and white to use as playing tiles. They seem to enjoy it and did pretty good at it. Other activities had them make posters of the trip, guess the mystery object in a box, and Roxanne's activity involved licking icing off of something. I didn't get a chance to see that one, but the possibilities boggle the mind. Haaaa!

In the evening of the first day there, the kids and some of the teachers put on a stage show. They did a sort of silly cowboy fashion show, to crown "Mr. & Ms. English Smart Camp". There was lots of singing and dancing, and the kids got pretty fired up. It was like a little concert. It seems you can't escape karaoke no matter where you go here. Yeesh!

I have photos, but blogger is being a putz and won't take them. I will add them later when it settles down. Seeya!

I learning jawa!

Hi all. I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but we have been very busy. Roong's office has elections coming up, so all the big wigs are running about, wasting money, and making sure they are kissing the right asses. Which of course doesn't include the asses of all the little people that they squeezed their money out of to get there in the first place.
Palmy got her first term grades back from University. She took 3 classes and she got 3 A's. I had told her that if she got 4 A's, we would talk about getting her a car. That was apparently not enough motivation to take 4 classes. Haaa! Oh, "jawa" is "java" in Thai...I hope.

Life at school is a hoot. Every friday we have a meeting and discuss what we need to do. Every friday we say the same things, and every friday the boss nods his head and says "Yes Yes Yes", and every friday nothing has changed from the previous week. Sooo..I have been experimenting a bit. The problem is comprehension. If the kids can't understand something, they are not going to remember it. In this, I seem to have found my niche in life. Every week, I come up with a different way to try and accomplish this. Luckily, what I lack in experience, I more than make up with by being entirely too stubborn to give up. We are going to try a different tactic next term, but I still have 7 weeks to mess about and see if I can come up with something astounding.

Jan and I have been hired to help with an English camp up in Chaing Mai in October. It's 10 days of 2 day camps for some of the more elite schools in Bangkok. I am happy about this, because I can see what the rich folk are doing and expecting as far as their children's English language education is concerned. It also helps get me in good with those schools that would pay me more than double my current salary. Jan has a friend that is making over 75,000 baht a month teaching in Bangkok. He has offered both of us positions, and it is very very tempting. It would mean commuting on the weekends back up here to Pattananikom, but damn, that's a lot of money here.