Friday, June 04, 2010
Velveeta is Indestructable
Every once in a while, my mom sends me a block of Velveeta cheese. I am very grateful for this because I like Velveeta, but also, it's a little bit of home, that I can't get here. Thai people don't seem to like cheese. They also apparently have an aversion to salad dressing, but that's another story. Anyway, Mom put a block of the pasteurized gold in a box with some undies, a can of Pringles, and tees, and sent it on it's merry way. About 2 weeks later, I received a notice from the post office that a package had arrived for me, but had been damaged along the way. That is secret post office code for "we opened it up, but didn't want anything in there".
I immediately went bat shit crazy. Mom sends these little treasures once every few months, and it's expensive to send anything larger than a letter from Missouri to Thailand. Also, the little shits try and charge me for it when it gets here. It's some type of import tax, but they give it a different name every time they ask for it. I have found that taking Roong with me usually solves that problem, because she out ranks them.
Back to the cheese. I went there after work, and was immediately ushered to the back to see the package. There were three postal workers standing around one of those small carts, looking like surgeons who knew the patient they were going to operate on wasn't going to pull through. It was pretty bad.
One half of the box was totally crushed. It had also been ripped open at one corner. It happened after it arrived, because I could see the Bangkok stamp mark that the tear had divided. I slammed my fist down on the table and let loose with a pretty impressive string of colorful vocabulary. I ripped open what was left of the box to see if anything had survived. At first, it was hard to tell. Everything was covered in crushed Pringles. The clothes seemed ok, just a bit oily and full of crumbs. Nothing a good washing couldn't fix. But, as I lifted them off, there was the cheese.
It was pretty bad. It had been pretty much flattened, and the box was torn open at one end. I carefully picked it up, and took the the box apart. What I ended up with, could best be described as a silver water balloon. As near as I could tell, the foil that the Velveeta is wrapped in hadn't been damaged. It seems that It was so hot wherever it had been stored, that the cheese had pretty much liquefied. So, when it got smashed, it just kind of shifted it's shape. It was hard to pick up, because it just wanted to flow out of your hands.
There was hope! So, I gave a last scowl and growl to the post office workers, and hurried home. I put the cheese in the fridge, and kind of wedged it between 2 boxes to try and give it some shape. I left it in there for 2 days to let it set again, in hopes that it would be edible.
It worked. I am munching down on a cheese sandwich, even as we speak. Everyone has heard the urban legends, that Velveeta is just one molecule away from being plastic. True, or not, it's still pretty amazing. The smashing, the heat, and everything else, didn't phase it. It tastes fine. Velveeta truly is indestructible. Thanks Mom!
Posted by Don Brand at 10:25 PM